How to make a two hour film go on for eternity, immortal if you like. I don’t.

The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones

Director: Harald Zwart

Writers: Jessica Postigo [based on the novel by Cassandra Clare]

Featuring: Lily Collins, Jamie Campbell Bower, Robert Sheehan, Lena Headey, Aidan Turner,

An ordinary teenager living in modern-day New York discovers she is the descendant of a line of Shadowhunters. This means she is part of a group of half-angel warriors who are involved in an ancient battle to protect our world from demons. The girl, Clary, comes home after discovering this secret to find her apart ransacked and her mother missing. Clary is forced to reluctantly join forces with the nearest group of Shadowhunters. She now becomes aware of and gets involved with, New York’s Downworld, which is where demons, warlocks, vampires, werewolves and other fantastic and mythical creatures really exist. Can she quickly learn how to fight demons and still save her mother with time ebbing away?

I’ve never read these ‘YA’ books. I do actually read some ‘YA’ books so I am not approaching this film from a bias.

The script is so clichéd, corny and bad I am absolutely convinced I, with no experience whatsoever, could write a better one.

Skimming through IMDB fans of the book are incandescent with rage over changes to characters, plot and unexplained McGuffins throughout.

I have no truck with any of this because I went into the film not knowing what it was about or expecting anything. Unfortunately, as the film started well, I was expecting something good but it just got worse and worse.

The main character Clary appears to be spoiled and horrible from the get-go and so I was hoping she was going to get caught by the demons. The werewolves were laughable and very expendable as they all died so easily and willingly – not very powerful and scary when they can be wiped out in a couple of minutes of poor CGI. The chemistry between Clary and the utter drip Jace is non-existent – goodness there is some hammy, poor acting in this film.

The whole thing seems to be a cynical attempt to cash in on the tween-movie trend at the moment. I know movies are mainly about business and money nowadays so if you are going to go down the cheap cash-cow route at least make the thing entertaining.

Having said that so many parts of this film were so poor they were very funny. But mainly watching this my heart sank as every clichéd and corny line was trotted out and every story plotline was signposted a mile ahead.

The ending with the motorcycle and hero was absolutely one-hundred percent hilarious.

Perhaps teenagers who are lovers of the book like this film more than me. I have only one word for it – crap.

I am hoping there will be a sequel. I have read there is going to be one.

Double crap.

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